Emotions

I once met a man who told me, “I have no emotions, emotions are a woman thing.” I smiled, knowing that, when someone speaks with this much conviction, it makes no sense to tell him otherwise.

The primary emotions in our lives are Fear, Anger, Grief, Joy, and Compassion. When we deny ourselves the experience of these important emotions, it can make us ill. I have seen this happen over and over again. This time I’d like to talk about it from my own personal experience.

As a child I lived in fear and I had good reason to. As I discussed earlier this spring, fear is the emotion that saves our lives when we meet up with a life-threatening situation. Emotional (and physical) abuse is a life-threatening situation for a small child. There are three possible reactions to fear: fight, flee, or freeze. I froze a lot and sometimes I had the presence of mind to run away and hide. That probably saved me from becoming emotionally crippled.

The act of freezing prevents a person (and especially a child) from totally inhabiting his/her body and space. And so, in later years, I learned to ground myself and be comfortable in my physical reality. In the 5Rhythms dance, the first rhythm, Flowing, is about this very thing: connecting to your breath, grounding with your feet, and being totally present on the dance floor.

As I grew into puberty, and started understanding what was being done to me, my fear turned to anger. I started teaching myself to fight back. Of course, the anger was, at first, misdirected and ineffective. But that isn’t the point, the point is that the anger needs to find a means of expression. When anger gets bottled up, it becomes a black thing inside us that eats us.

Only when we have been able to breathe and move through our fear, are we able to release our anger. The second rhythm of the dance, Staccato, is the rhythm of fire, of the fire of anger and being able to stand our ground.

But life can still wound us and I have been no exception. I have lost loved ones and hopes for the future. I have been forced to see things that I didn’t want to see. I have been hurt by the wounds of others, including the wounding of the earth. And these are the moments to let go of all thoughts of staying calm and rational, to just let the healing power of the tears flow.

Holding back grief will sap you of all your strength, all your energy, and wear you out. In the dance, the rhythm of Chaos helps you let go of control and feel your grief. But only if you have been able to move through your fear and let out your anger.

And so I have learned to let go and express the important emotions of fear, anger, and grief. What happens then, is that life lightens up. Suddenly we are able to see the beauty of sunrise, sunset, and rainbows, no matter what our circumstances are. Suddenly it’s no longer about doing and having but about being. Joy is the ability to be with ourselves and our lives, no matter what is going on. Joy is the Lyrical rhythm of the dance, the rhythm of lightness.

And at this point, we… I… can let go of my preoccupation with myself and my own story and turn my love and understanding to the world around me. To view everything that ever happened to me or through me with compassion. To view the world, with all its craziness, with compassion. Then I… we… enter into the age of wisdom in the rhythm of Stillness.

Mirrors

No matter how often I tell myself that I am constantly reacting to projections of myself in others, I do it again and again. This is so deeply ingrained in all of us that it slumbers in our unconscious selves. We need to remind ourselves, again and again.

This can take interesting forms. Recently I have been entranced by a webcam view of a nest of ospreys in Maine (USA). The osprey mother is beautiful, the fierce, proud glare from her yellow eyes stirs my soul. But the most fascinating thing about this nest, which attracts as many as 1300 viewers at one time, is the amazing, untiring, nurturing attention with which both mother and father osprey take care of their three chicks.

I find myself constantly comparing them to human parents - my parents, myself as a parent. Attributing human characteristics to them like patience, loyalty, and love. Now mind you, there is more to this than instinct. This particular pair has been nesting here for several seasons and their parental skills develop further and further each year. Some other osprey parents, on nests that can be followed, do a poorer job of it than these. But a lot of the awe and tenderness with which I view them is projection of my own desire to be so tender and nurturing.

The topic of nurturing leads me to another way that we can project ourselves on others. Someone came to me who is caught in a highly nurturing and caring role. Everyone sees her as the kindest, most helpful person they know. She started catching on to the fact that, by taking care of others, she was reflecting a deep childhood need to be taken care of herself. Now she’s taking the first steps to learn how to take care of the orphaned child inside.

One of the most striking ways that others can be a mirror to learn from is found with the people who annoy us the most, or make us downright angry. In my earlier articles on our shadow side, I have pointed out that there is always a side to us that we reject to the point of refusing to see that it’s a part of us. Often, people who display the kind of behavior we don't want to acknowledge, evoke an intense feeling of dislike in us. So, when you find yourself reacting negatively to someone, stop and examine what you might learn about yourself in this interaction!

How wonderful it is to live in a world full of human and non-human mirrors we can learn from!

Purpose

I had a wonderful, impromptu conversation recently. The woman I was talking to confessed that she has a good life but she feels that she’s not contributing to the good of the world or of other people. She misses a sense of purpose. This intrigues me. My first thought was - of course she’s contributing! Simply by being who she is, she contributes to someone’s happiness. I certainly had a great afternoon talking to her!

But I do realize that many of us are searching for a sense of purpose. As we reach those achievements we strove for when we were young: a family, a home, a career, recognition, etc., we start looking at the larger picture. Have I been true to myself? Have I done something of intrinsic value for the world? Has my life made a difference somewhere, somehow?

And the next question is: So what can I do? What is my specific contribution to the world, my purpose? And often answering this question means letting go of the expectations that other people have of you and letting go of the expectations that you grew up with.

This delightful illustration came to me by way of my friend Danielle van Kampen. I think it gives a great overview of the subject. So often we restrict ourselves to that which we are good at and can get paid for. But because we have overlooked that which we love, our work lacks passion. And if we overlook that which the world needs, it’s just a profession and not a real vocation. And at some point we start feeling tired… or maybe at a dead end… or maybe just confused.

The good thing is that this uncomfortable feeling is the start of a new journey. That journey requires taking a close look at what you yourself think is important in life, not what others think.

By putting together all four elements you arrive at that mix of passion, mission, profession, and vocation that we call Purpose.

Levensdoel

Onlangs had Ik een geweldig, spontaan gesprek met een vrouw die ik verder niet ken. Ze vertelde dat ze een fijn leven heeft maar dat ze het gevoel heeft geen wezenlijke bijdrage te leveren aan de wereld of aan andere mensen. Ze mist een levensdoel. Dit intrigeert me. Mijn eerste gedachte was: natuurlijk levert ze een bijdrage! Alleen al door wie ze is, maakt ze iemand blij. Ik heb in ieder geval een fijne middag beleefd vanwege ons gesprek!

Maar ik realiseer me ook dat velen van ons op zoek zijn naar een levensdoel. We bereiken de doelen die we onszelf hebben gesteld toen we jong waren: een gezin, een woning, een carrière, erkenning, enz. Vervolgens beginnen we naar het groter beeld te kijken. Ben ik trouw aan mezelf gebleven? Heb ik iets van intrinsieke waarde voor de wereld gedaan? Heeft mijn leven ergens een verschil gemaakt?

De volgende vraag is: Wat zou ik dan kunnen doen? Wat is mijn specifieke bijdrage aan de wereld, mijn levensdoel? Om deze vraag te beantwoorden, moet je vaak alle verwachtingen van anderen loslaten en ook de verwachtingen waar je zelf mee werd grootgebracht.

Dit prachtige schema kreeg ik via mijn vriendin, Danielle van Kampen. Het geeft een mooie overzicht van het onderwerp. We beperken ons vaak tot dat waar we goed in zijn en geld mee kunnen verdienen. Omdat we niet hebben gekeken naar waar we van houden, ontbreekt ons werk aan passie. En als we niet kijken naar wat de wereld nodig heeft, hebben we weliswaar een beroep, maar geen roeping. Er komt een punt in het leven waarin we ons vermoeid en uitgeblust voelen… of misschien op een doodlopende weg… of misschien gewoon in de war.

Het goede van dit, minder prettig, gevoel is dat het het begin van een nieuwe reis markeert. En die reis vraagt van je dat je goed kijkt naar wat je zelf belangrijk vindt in het leven, niet alleen wat anderen belangrijk vinden.

Door alle vier elementen bij elkaar te leggen kom je bij die mix van passie, missie, beroep en roeping dat wij Levensdoel noemen.

Heb jij een steuntje in de rug nodig voor een nieuwe reis naar jouw levensdoel? Overweeg mee te doen aan Een Nieuwe Reis van 10-12 oktober.