Threads

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn’t change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can’t get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.
You don’t ever let go of the thread.

The Way It Is - William Stafford

When I first read this poem it immediately spoke to me about my own life, about the countless and sometimes incomprehensible choices I have made along the way. Choices to walk away from things and choices to walk towards things. I wasn’t always convinced that I was making the right choice. Sometimes they brought so much pain and suffering to myself and to others, that I was convinced that I had made a very wrong choice. But, looking back now, from the perspective I have gained, I can see how I was always following my thread.

Sometimes I did get lost. My thread got tangled up in thorny bushes and it took me awhile to unravel it and recover from the scratches. But I didn’t let go of the thread.

At one point, I started turning to other people to teach me and guide me. And I’m very grateful for their guidance. But I did learn that, no matter how valuable their teachings are, they only accompany me for a short while on the path: a certain crossing, a clear signpost on a rainy day. Eventually, my thread takes me further and I continue on my way.

And I think this is true for all of us. We can get caught up and bogged down in our lives. But we all follow a thread, even when other people can’t see it. Sometimes we have trouble seeing it ourselves. We can ask someone for help and guidance. But that is always just to get past that one snag in the path. And then we go back to following our own thread.

The Wheel of Change

The Dutch version of this story will appear on my website soon. My webdesigner and I are working on a way to make it a little less bulky. Last February, I announced that I had worked out a schematic approach to my vision about how people grow and change and how I can help them with this as a coach and counselor. Here is the extended version:

Each of us has the (latent) urge to lead a meaningful life. Sometimes this happens all by itself. But most of us find ourselves tied up (at least once) in a life that is directed by the needs of others, not our own needs. At the same time, we see things happening in the world that make us feel sad or angry. We try to do something about it but don’t know how. And, in the center of our lives, is always the need to give and receive love. That and the need to discern between that which nourishes us and that which doesn’t.

Sooner or later, we become confused. And this confusion is always the first sign of something new emerging. I have worked this out, schematically, on a wheel. This wheel is an age-old symbol for the continuous cycle of live and change: day and night, the seasons, the rhythm of the moon, etc. In the East, where the sun rises each morning, confusion and the need to change something can emerge in one’s life.

If you want to do something about the confusion, the next step can be to ask someone for help and work out goals for this together. You could also try and solve this without help. But then you won’t meet me in the role of coach. So in this schematic approach, I am assuming that you will come to me for help. And sometimes it’s a good thing to admit that you can’t do everything by yourself…

You are now very much in the process of change and nothing feels stable. An important step to take now is to honor your pain, fear, sorrow, anger, or other emotions that awaken in you. We all want to live without pain and strong emotions. So we hide the emotions, stick a Band-Aid on them, look for healing. But these emotions are your guides on the path towards growth and change. I use focusing, mindfulness, Systemic Ritual® and other methods to help you be with this pain without it overwhelming you.

On your path towards wholeness, you will learn to accept your shadow. Your shadow is that part of you (and you usually have more than one) that you are convinced is not you! For instance, you are someone who goes out of their way to support and care for others. Somewhere, deep inside, there is a part of you who wants to be very selfish and just look out for Number One. This sub-personality may haunt your dreams or you may find yourself disliking someone intensely who seems selfish and self-serving. Perhaps you suddenly act like this when you’re feeling especially vulnerable and you think, How did that happen? I’m never like this! Learning to see your shadows and to understand how they bring balance into your life is an important step. I can help you with this, using dream work, active imagination, Voice Dialogue, and body work.

It’s also essential to learn to accept your gifts. We tend to only concentrate on that which is wrong with us. We usually see our qualities, those things that are very right with us, reflected in the people we admire. But these qualities are the gifts we have to offer the world. So, using dream work, active imagination, Voice Dialogue, and body work, I can help you learn to accept your gifts.

And once we have learned to accept ourselves as we are, we can start making important choices in our lives. Choosing to leave that mind-deadening job or maybe stepping into the challenging job you weren’t sure you were good enough for. Ending a relationship that is hurting you or maybe daring to start a relationship. You make your own choices. I can be a sounding board, a mirror, so that you understand and accept the consequences of the choice.

And so you start walking your own path in life. You have something to offer the world, your own, unique sound.

And this is the point that you find rest. Well-deserved rest from all the confusion and need to change yourself. You can just be. Until the moment comes that the cycle begins anew…