And so it is

The massage therapist pushes and pulls at my leg and bends my knee. At my yelp of pain, he shakes his head. “This looks serious. What have you been doing with yourself?”

What I have been doing is exactly what I tell everyone (friends and clients alike) not to do: ignoring the signals in my body that I’m doing too much. I will now have to be very patient and very gentle with myself to get back to the point that walking (let alone dancing) doesn’t hurt.

I immediately feel anger and frustration. Why can’t I keep my own boundaries? I should know better! And, this, of course, is all about accepting things as they are. Not just accepting that I have injured my knee, but also accepting the fact that I’m capable of doing stupid things like this. And it’s ok that I am.

When we embark on the path towards becoming the person we want to be, one of the first things that happens to us is that we become dissatisfied with the person we are right now. It seems so logical, it’s about change, isn’t it? And this is where the strange and magical alchemy of change comes in. As long as you try to get rid of your bad habits and become a better person, you will find yourself either failing at it or solving one problem only to find new ones. Like the legendary Hydra: for every head that Hercules lopped off, two more heads would appear.

Saying to yourself: I can be a good person, if I can only learn to listen to the signals of my body and respect my boundaries, is not going to make you any happier or bring you peace of mind. Saying to yourself: I am a good person, even though I sometimes ignore the signals of my body and go over my boundaries, will. And you will find yourself listening to your body and respecting your boundaries more and more. Because you’re treating yourself with love and respect.

And so I try to be as patient with my shortcomings, those shadows of mine that pop up, as I am with my swollen knee. If I disappoint myself, I forgive myself. Again and again. With love and respect.

Het is zo

De massage therapeut duwt en trekt aan mijn been en buigt mijn knie. Als ik het uitschreeuw van de pijn, schudt hij zijn hoofd. “Dit ziet er niet goed uit. Wat heb jij de laatste tijd met jezelf gedaan?”

Wat ik heb gedaan is precies wat ik iedereen (zowel vrienden als cliënten) aanspoor niet te doen: de signalen in mijn lijf, dat ik bezig ben mezelf te overbelasten, negeren. Nu zal ik heel geduldig en zacht met mezelf moeten omgaan om zover te komen dat ik weer pijnvrij kan lopen (laat staan dansen).

Ik word meteen boos op mezelf. Waarom kan ik niet mijn eigen grenzen in acht nemen? Ik zou beter moeten weten! En dit gaat natuurlijk over de dingen accepteren zoals ze zijn. Niet alleen accepteren dat ik mijn knie heb overbelast maar ook accepteren dat ik in staat ben om zulke domme dingen te doen. En het is goed zo.

Als wij de eerste stappen zetten op de weg dat ons leidt naar de persoon die we willen worden, voelen we ons meestal ontevreden met wie we nu zijn. Dat lijkt ook logisch, het gaat toch over veranderen? En hier komt de vreemde en magische alchemie van het veranderen tevoorschijn. Zolang je probeert om van je slechte gewoonten af te komen en een beter persoon te worden, zal het niet lukken. En als het wel lukt, als je het klaarspeelt om een probleem op te lossen, komt het volgend probleem omhoog. Net als de mythe van de Hydra: als Heracles een kop afhakte, groeiden er meteen twee nieuwe koppen aan.

Tegen jezelf zeggen: Ik zou een goed mens kunnen zijn als ik kon leren luisteren naar mijn lichaam en niet meer over mijn grenzen heengaan, maakt je niet gelukkiger of rustiger. Tegen jezelf zeggen: Ik ben een goed mens, ook al luister ik niet altijd naar mijn lichaam en ga ik soms over mijn grenzen heen, wel. En je zult ontdekken dat je steeds vaker naar je lichaam luistert en je grenzen bewaakt. Omdat je jezelf behandelt met liefde en respect.

Dus, probeer ik net zo geduldig te zijn met mijn tekortkomingen, mijn schaduwen die zo nu en dan op ploppen, als met mijn overbelaste knie. Als ik mezelf teleur stel, vergeef ik mezelf. Steeds opnieuw. Met liefde en respect.

Seduced by the shadow

I grew up with the folk-rock group Fairport Convention. One of the traditional ballads they sang was Reynardine, the tale of how the crafty fox seduced a maiden and led her to her ruin, by flattering her and pretending to be a high lord. Later, Sheila Chandra covered the song under the title The Enchantment. Her version is beautifully haunting, making the experience of the enchantment almost visceral.



And seduction is a type of enchantment. A will-ó-wisp, drawing people further and further, until they fall to their ruin or drown in the swamp. There are many, many myths and fairytales based on this theme. And like most myths and fairytales, this story emerges from our collective unconscious. The legend of Faust, selling his soul to the devil for the promise of unlimited knowledge, wealth, and fame, is another example that has inspired many tales.

Who does not remember being seduced by someone or something? I certainly do remember many instances in my own life. We all know secret desires. We all are susceptible to the promise that these desires will be fulfilled.

The maiden in the tale of Reynard is totally innocent, unaware of her own susceptibility to the promise of romantic love and a wealthy prince. And Faust falls asleep, unaware of the fact that the little dog that has followed him home is actually Mephistopheles.

This is the essence, the part of the story we can learn from. In each of us lie hidden parts – desires and bits of personality that we are unaware of. In fact, we probably would say, “Oh no, that’s not me!” if this was pointed out to us. The term that Carl Jung coined for this is the Shadow. Sometimes we see our shadow projected onto other people and wonder why we react to them so strongly. The more we deny our shadow, the more susceptible we are to its enchantment. At some point it can surface and we do things we never dreamed of doing. This feels like our own ruin, we become filled with guilt and shame.

If we do become aware of a trait from our dark shadow (there is also a golden shadow, but I won’t go into that this time), we often try to get rid of it as something totally undesirable. This only leads to it going even further underground and emerging with demonic vengeance.

Robert A. Johnson, a Jungian analyst, points out that the secret to owning one’s shadow is to be able to live with the paradox. Seeing both sides of who you are, immersing yourself into the nature of both your light and your shadow side, eventually leads to a solution that honors both. The more we learn to acknowledge our shadows, the less susceptible we are to the types of enchantment and section that modern life in Western society provides: relationships that damage us, jobs that deaden our soul, and forms of addiction.

Saving the world

There was a time that I was convinced that my life would only have meaning if I could help bring about world peace, the end of pollution, and justice and equality for all. As a child of the 60’s, it was only logical that this had to happen in my lifetime. And I had to play a part in it.

I went from protest marches to neighborhood empowerment action and eventually found myself involved in local politics. I became more and more disillusioned about the possibility of anything changing. It seemed as if, for every problem solved, at least two new problems would arise. The media seemed to overexpose us to all the drama in the world and if I took them all seriously, I would simply get overwhelmed.

As time went on, I started building a family and a career. I started closing my eyes to world problems. Small scale problems were challenging enough. In The Netherlands, my adopted homeland, environmental issues are usually tackled by new government rules, regulations, and taxes. Not only does it often seem ineffective, it’s also often very bureaucratic.

But at the very core of me, the idealist will not die. I love the world too much for that. And I want my great-grandchildren and their grandchildren to be able to love the world as well.

And this is the point where writers/teachers like Joanna Macy provide the inspiration and courage to continue to do that which I can do, that which each of us can do. I just finished reading her book Active Hope – How to Face the Mess We’re in without Going Crazy. I recognized my own journey in her description of the three stories of our time. I try to hide from my own despair by believing in Business As Usual. Otherwise I might be overwhelmed by the Great Unraveling. But, more and more, I can start believing and actively participating in the Great Turning.

This is something I can do with my own unique gifts, in my own unique way. Each of us feels called in a different way. Some people feel called to participate in actions to defend life on earth. Some feel called to develop new economic and social structures. And some are suited to helping us change our perceptions, thinking, and values.

But the most important thing, and Joanna Macy’s call resonates strongly with me, is to find and connect to others who also feel this calling. Every little thing we do, alone but especially with others, is a step in the right direction. And so I recycle and work in my garden and find ways to exchange knowledge, inspiration, ideas, and vegetable seeds with others. I organize gatherings of people to see how we can use our talents and create synergy on a small scale. And I devote my counseling practice to helping others find their own, unique way of being in the world in these troubled times.

I may never see the fruits of my labor in this lifetime. I will not let that discourage me. I’m not doing it for myself.

Threads

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn’t change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can’t get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.
You don’t ever let go of the thread.

The Way It Is - William Stafford

When I first read this poem it immediately spoke to me about my own life, about the countless and sometimes incomprehensible choices I have made along the way. Choices to walk away from things and choices to walk towards things. I wasn’t always convinced that I was making the right choice. Sometimes they brought so much pain and suffering to myself and to others, that I was convinced that I had made a very wrong choice. But, looking back now, from the perspective I have gained, I can see how I was always following my thread.

Sometimes I did get lost. My thread got tangled up in thorny bushes and it took me awhile to unravel it and recover from the scratches. But I didn’t let go of the thread.

At one point, I started turning to other people to teach me and guide me. And I’m very grateful for their guidance. But I did learn that, no matter how valuable their teachings are, they only accompany me for a short while on the path: a certain crossing, a clear signpost on a rainy day. Eventually, my thread takes me further and I continue on my way.

And I think this is true for all of us. We can get caught up and bogged down in our lives. But we all follow a thread, even when other people can’t see it. Sometimes we have trouble seeing it ourselves. We can ask someone for help and guidance. But that is always just to get past that one snag in the path. And then we go back to following our own thread.

The Wheel of Change

The Dutch version of this story will appear on my website soon. My webdesigner and I are working on a way to make it a little less bulky. Last February, I announced that I had worked out a schematic approach to my vision about how people grow and change and how I can help them with this as a coach and counselor. Here is the extended version:

Each of us has the (latent) urge to lead a meaningful life. Sometimes this happens all by itself. But most of us find ourselves tied up (at least once) in a life that is directed by the needs of others, not our own needs. At the same time, we see things happening in the world that make us feel sad or angry. We try to do something about it but don’t know how. And, in the center of our lives, is always the need to give and receive love. That and the need to discern between that which nourishes us and that which doesn’t.

Sooner or later, we become confused. And this confusion is always the first sign of something new emerging. I have worked this out, schematically, on a wheel. This wheel is an age-old symbol for the continuous cycle of live and change: day and night, the seasons, the rhythm of the moon, etc. In the East, where the sun rises each morning, confusion and the need to change something can emerge in one’s life.

If you want to do something about the confusion, the next step can be to ask someone for help and work out goals for this together. You could also try and solve this without help. But then you won’t meet me in the role of coach. So in this schematic approach, I am assuming that you will come to me for help. And sometimes it’s a good thing to admit that you can’t do everything by yourself…

You are now very much in the process of change and nothing feels stable. An important step to take now is to honor your pain, fear, sorrow, anger, or other emotions that awaken in you. We all want to live without pain and strong emotions. So we hide the emotions, stick a Band-Aid on them, look for healing. But these emotions are your guides on the path towards growth and change. I use focusing, mindfulness, Systemic Ritual® and other methods to help you be with this pain without it overwhelming you.

On your path towards wholeness, you will learn to accept your shadow. Your shadow is that part of you (and you usually have more than one) that you are convinced is not you! For instance, you are someone who goes out of their way to support and care for others. Somewhere, deep inside, there is a part of you who wants to be very selfish and just look out for Number One. This sub-personality may haunt your dreams or you may find yourself disliking someone intensely who seems selfish and self-serving. Perhaps you suddenly act like this when you’re feeling especially vulnerable and you think, How did that happen? I’m never like this! Learning to see your shadows and to understand how they bring balance into your life is an important step. I can help you with this, using dream work, active imagination, Voice Dialogue, and body work.

It’s also essential to learn to accept your gifts. We tend to only concentrate on that which is wrong with us. We usually see our qualities, those things that are very right with us, reflected in the people we admire. But these qualities are the gifts we have to offer the world. So, using dream work, active imagination, Voice Dialogue, and body work, I can help you learn to accept your gifts.

And once we have learned to accept ourselves as we are, we can start making important choices in our lives. Choosing to leave that mind-deadening job or maybe stepping into the challenging job you weren’t sure you were good enough for. Ending a relationship that is hurting you or maybe daring to start a relationship. You make your own choices. I can be a sounding board, a mirror, so that you understand and accept the consequences of the choice.

And so you start walking your own path in life. You have something to offer the world, your own, unique sound.

And this is the point that you find rest. Well-deserved rest from all the confusion and need to change yourself. You can just be. Until the moment comes that the cycle begins anew…